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Hi, folks! I was touched that so many of you liked my advice column in the November issue of Vibration. Quite a few people said they felt better about their lives just from knowing about mine. And for some reason, several readers thought it was a humor piece! I can't for the life of me figure that one out. Of course, being so well received, I was champing at the bit to write more. And since everyone knows how spiritual I am, I am THRILLED to have my work included in Vibration's Essences and Spirituality issue.
Unfortunately, things
got kind of out of hand when I visited my mom, Flossie, back in Alabama over the
holidays. She drinks a bit -- okay, a lot -- and I was trying to keep
up with her, just to be companionable. After all, she's 80, and you wouldn't
want her drinking alone at that age. One thing led to another, and over New Year's I was arrested on a DUI.
Well, the most wonderful thing happened in rehab, and I don't just mean all the attention I got from the guys. In creative arts therapy, I found my true literary genre, and that is poetry. They didn't let me use any flower remedies on the unit, since they're preserved in alcohol. Lonesome for my essence collection, I used the time to continue the remedy studies I started last August. I was moved to write some poems about the remedies, which the editors insisted I share with you here after I had written to them about my work, oh, a million times. The writing teacher said to write what you know, and so many of these pieces are drawn from my own life experience -- names changed to protect the innocent. A real saucy siren named Rita 
They taught us in the creative arts therapy class to focus on our positive achievements, and my new status as the Poet Laureate of the essence world isn't the only great thing I've accomplished recently. During this past year, no one has sued me, nor have any of the previous year's indictments produced a conviction -- much less more time in jail. My kleptomania is now considered completely cured, and I only have three more ECT treatments left before I fulfill my lifetime maximum! The future is bright for me as well. I had a vision on the detox ward that kept my spirits really high, and I have already begun to fulfill it. The vision was of starting my very own essence company, a small one with no more than 5000 to 6000 products. They won't be flower essences though--I don't know about you, but to me they've been done to death! So far I've made a garden slug essence, one from Limburger cheese, and two different versions of pickled pigs feet. If you have any inspired suggestions, you know where to reach me. So glad to be back home and back on the pages of Vibration!  ABOUT THE AUTHOR: PANSY ROSEBUD PEPPERPLANT is a former therapeutic belly dancer and professional egg sorter and grader. Because she has had decades of really bad problems with family, friends (actually, EX-friends, but don't get her started), neighbors, and work (having been fired from approximately 18 jobs in the past two years), she's a natural to help you with your difficulties. Not that they amount to much compared to what SHE'S been through. If you'd care to see more of Pansy's writing, check out her advice column in the November, 2001, Vibration. You can write to her at pansy@essences.com.
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The judge insisted I go to rehab for 90 days, even though I made it perfectly clear
that the only times I've ever been arrested for intoxication are when I come back
home to visit. (Mom and I have a codependent relationship, they helped me to see on the ward.)