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By Connie Barrett Since Valentine's Day comes this month, it seems appropriate to write about some of the obstacles to fulfilling, loving relationships -- whether
they be those of marriage or partnership, family, or friends.
I lose my sense of self in relationships
To lose oneself is a different matter, one which doesn't suggest a relationship of equals. It can be a very fine thing for people to consciously choose to transcend their egos for the purpose of serving others. Often, though, we don't make this choice so consciously. We may have been trained to believe that our own needs aren't important, and that others must always come first; we may have not had the freedom to make our own decisions. We may have learned to feel self-esteem to the degree that we practice self-sacrifice. In such circumstances it is easy to become attracted to people with stronger wills and to stifle (although sometimes with resentment) yearnings for independence.
I can't let go of old relationships Not being able to let go means living in the past and giving up any hope for happiness in the present or future. It means resigning oneself to loneliness.
Another challenge is that the past is familiar. Whether you are reviewing old hurts or old joys, there are few surprises. Probably the most important thing to keep in mind is that a time warp bears a close resemblance to a dead zone. Hard as it can be to move on and take risks, that is where growth and possibility live. The Bach Flower Remedy Honeysuckle (photo at right) helps to free us from the hold of the past by allowing us to see it with a more objective viewpoint. With this perspective we can learn its lessons and travel on. Bleeding Heart (FES) is specifically for those who experience the past with anguish. They may have been emotionally co-dependent; they may not have gotten over the death of a loved one. This flower essence can help to heal these wounds and traumas.
The more I get to know people, the more impatient I become with them
You thought it was cute how his shirt tail always managed to work its way out of his trousers; now you're embarrassed to be seen with him in public. I don't know if familiarity always breeds contempt, but impatience and intolerance are two of the more common dangers in relationships, especially since minor irritations can cause battles which mask deeper issues. People who are impatient are often mentally quick and have little tolerance for those who are slower. They also are easily bored. Intolerance, though it is usually associated with prejudice towards people who are different from oneself, can also describe a judgmental attitude which prevents feeling or expressing love. To allow that those you love aren't perfect is also to allow yourself to tolerate and be patient with your own imperfections. It will improve not only your relationships with others, but your relationship with yourself. The lovely Impatiens (Bach) flower provides us with the essence of patience. It doesn't slow down those quick learners, but helps them to cultivate the ability to team up their mental skills with the ability to help others. Beech (Bach) teaches us that tolerance begins with us, and teaches us to accept ourselves and, hence, to fully accept and tolerate others.
When I love someone I'm always afraid of losing them Self-esteem can also play a part. If people are fearful when their dear ones have lives of their own, the true fear may be that other people are more interesting. Another fear is that nothing good can last. If you're really happy, someone/something (possibly a cruel universe) is sure to take it away from you. Any of the above conditions help to diminish one's enjoyment in the experience of love and relationship. Fortunately, there are a number of essences and crystals which can help to unravel the knot of fear.
Red Chestnut (Bach) is excellent for one's fears about losing others, especially when these fears are for their safety. I have also found that several of the Wild Earth Animal Essences can be helpful. Many animals -- especially mammals -- are good mothers (and sometimes fathers), who know when to let their offspring go. Among these are Bear, Otter, Deer, and Mountain Lion. For the fear that nothing good can last, which is at source a lack of trust and a general pessimism, I recommend Gentian (Bach - photo at right). ABOUT THE AUTHOR: CONNIE BARRETT does flower essence counseling for people and pets (including by email). Her previous articles in Vibration include Fireworks: Dealing with Anger and The Flowering of Faith. Her website, Beyond the Rainbow, has many articles about flower essences and related subjects. She can also be reached by e-mail at rainbow@ulster.net. ART CREDITS: ArtToday.
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And that is very understandable. When one has been betrayed, self-esteem and self-love may be shattered. It takes great courage to risk one's heart again. 
An all-purpose helper is Mimulus (Bach). Mimulus works on known fears of any kind, and is especially helpful for those people who are reluctant to mention their fears to others.